April 22, 2008

I am having a fucking emotional nightmare right now. My ribs are
sticking to my lungs and collapsing with them as I inhale. I cant breath but
I cant tell either if it's a panic attack or the 15 cigaretts I smoke
a day. And then in between the gasps for life my chest puffs out as my
lungs fill with air. There is peace not happiness but peace. An
acceptance of what is before the "who i am" starts to take over again, the
room turns white and for 30 seconds I feel sane. It all ends before I
can tell the moment thank you . Then its back to trying to decide to
either cut myself or to drink myself to sleep for the sake of becoming
numb to this schizophrenic hurt I cause myself and all the sadness of
loosing a loved one. I cant get close to any situation or person either
because I will ruin it or because it or they will leave simply as it was
just their, theirs, or its time to move on. all lost people,
places, and things always seem to bring about suffering. Some things lost
will always be missed not because of the reality of what it is or was but
because of the reality you wanted it to be.Others will be missed
because they geniunley deserve that attention. and maybe all this loosing
is for the greater good of lives/life mine and yours or it is for the
greater good of lives/life mine and yours. It still hurts. it still makes
me want to cry and to pretend that people care enough to tolerate
something that is not them. All of this writting is selfish and all of us
are selfish.