oh golly

I don't understand since when did being in love make you crazy? and what about all the poets, artist, and musicians that everyone things is so fucking amazing? Weren't they just in love and refused to hold back in sharing it with the world?

Are you only justified in love if whatever loves you back? Why do I feel guilty then every time I even think about ever being in love again like its a one way ticket to insanity?

I don't understand anything.

again

I cant tell if its jealousy or if its neediness  I don't know why I keep going back to you always without you even asking  and of course without you even knowing  but i broke down today and told you how much I loved you y ou know already  Instead of celebrating the fact that I can feel again  I made a mistake in thinking I was safely sane.  I just want to sleep and forget that the last three days ever happen.  I want to move on but something keeps dragging me back  and I'm so fucking angry at this thing  and this thing is my anger.  GOD have I felt alive in the last few months but now I seem to just want to hide.

Disclaimer

I know this stuff seems dark but I have to say I was coming out of an addiction problem and trying to deal with my emotions..particularly the love and lost game. I think alot of people can relate..I dont know thats it.

April 22, 2008

I am having a fucking emotional nightmare right now. My ribs are
sticking to my lungs and collapsing with them as I inhale. I cant breath but
I cant tell either if it's a panic attack or the 15 cigaretts I smoke
a day. And then in between the gasps for life my chest puffs out as my
lungs fill with air. There is peace not happiness but peace. An
acceptance of what is before the "who i am" starts to take over again, the
room turns white and for 30 seconds I feel sane. It all ends before I
can tell the moment thank you . Then its back to trying to decide to
either cut myself or to drink myself to sleep for the sake of becoming
numb to this schizophrenic hurt I cause myself and all the sadness of
loosing a loved one. I cant get close to any situation or person either
because I will ruin it or because it or they will leave simply as it was
just their, theirs, or its time to move on. all lost people,
places, and things always seem to bring about suffering. Some things lost
will always be missed not because of the reality of what it is or was but
because of the reality you wanted it to be.Others will be missed
because they geniunley deserve that attention. and maybe all this loosing
is for the greater good of lives/life mine and yours or it is for the
greater good of lives/life mine and yours. It still hurts. it still makes
me want to cry and to pretend that people care enough to tolerate
something that is not them. All of this writting is selfish and all of us
are selfish.  

letting go of said addictions: April 26, 2008

Someone told me I wasn't crazy

My mom told me I was ok because I am aware.

I drank three days in a row and on the fourth slept.

I felt alone until I hurt someone and someone told me.

Then i woke up to see everyone crying.

I was calm as I joined them.

April 26, 2008

Im not above or below you.

I am you.

And him and her.

He she and we.

Im not trying to be like you

I am you

And him and her

He she and we

Im not trying to control you

I am you

And him and her

He she and we.

Im not in love with you

I am you

And him and her

He she and we.

Im not looking for you

I am you

And him and her

He she and we.

rememeber when i was cool May 10, 2008

I promised myself so many things

I lied to myself to many times

I cheated on myself.

I hurt myself

I back stabbed myself

I drugged myself.

I betrayed myself.

I killed myself.

last time May 10, 2008

Im honest

Im honest when I shouldn't be honest

Im not awake

Your sleeping harder though

Look outside

But don't go outside

Like a cat

Just see how good life can be

Take a bath in flower pedels

Touch the earth

Its not going to touch you

Sit still and feel the universe

Its not going to feel you.

Ask for salvation

Its not going to ask for you.

we do this to ourselves June 03, 2008

I have always heard that god works in mysterious ways. My life experiences have certainly validated this. So why am I still fearful of life and what is going to happen next? Its so easy to forget all the good that has come from loosing things , people, and places we are attached to. Its so easy to forget how miserable just a year ago was when we had nothing and on top of having nothing we had no one but now seems more unbearable because now is. Its so easy to forget how strong we have been in all situations and how we were able to just pick up everything when it had all fallen. Its so easy to just want to stay depressed and think life as hopeless and wonder how many Tylenol Pm's it would take to kill ourselves. Its so easy to feel like the universe and everyone in it and everyone you have loved or ever will love and everyone that has loved you will now in this moment turn their backs on you if only to just feel alive in kicking you when you are already down. Its so easy to reject any glimmer of goodness that may be trying to turn things around for you. Its so easy to close yourself off to the miracles that are waiting patiently next to you. Its so easy to just cry for no reason and hate everyone for not being more attentive. Its so hard to tell your mind to shut the fuck up and just let life be born through you and go with the flow because god always works in mysterious ways.

aint it the truth June 04, 2008

Im to self absorbed to think of anything else but myself

Im to involved with my story to even read yours

Im to in love with my own beauty to even acknowledge your depth

Im to enchanted by my own played out drama to even come see your show

Im to fascinated by this person called me to even ask you your name

Im to focused on my own whereabouts to even come looking for you

Sorry but I am human

trust me June 06, 2008

Stop right now and look around

Everything you can sense is a reflection of you

The wall

The window

The cat

The floor

The smiling neighbor

The angry bum on the street

Everything that you will see, touch, hear, smell, taste, and feel today is a reflection of you.

I guess its time to evaluate your environment

If you really care about what is going on inside of you.

If it is all bad you have no one to blame but yourself

If it is all good you have no one to praise but yourself

Everything is

Just as you make it

The world lives in you

You do not live in the world

hagfjhfcba June 08, 2008

purging on an empty stomach

Iv lost it again

sobriety comes clean and I can say I am clean

for what reason who knows or cares

everything dropped around me and I was to lazy to pick them back up

It cant be always my fault

reading about rage and then practicing it on your friends

Iv listened to the same song two hundred times

and now I am ready to sing it

Iv come from the heat

and I want to crawl back into your arms

The only thing that could save me now is red bull

niether June 09, 2008

Its so easy to get drugs

but its so hard to be

its so easy to say hatefull things

but its so hard to let love happen

great June 18, 2008

I have alot of demons

They are pretty much my best friends

We do everything together!

Its all very communal and very selfish July 28, 2008

I don't know anymore why people make big deals out of 
Its just the world and what you make it
What is important to you is not important to me
What is important to me is not important to them and so on
We all cry at different times
that's why we need each other
To balance ourselves
We need from you what we don't have and you need from us what is missing from you.

Be Hum-In September 06, 2008

I wouldn't have been so mean
If it didn't hurt so bad
and this is no excuse
but every atom of me was hurting 
At least i learned from you to always have two
so you will never be one
and it all seems so very stupid now
just all of it 
everything
im embarrassed of who I am
and god is mad at me because Im wasting my his given gifts.
god is mad at me because Id rather hide.
everyone seems to be so much more human than I am.

I dont want to play games. September 07, 2008

I know we are not speaking.
I just dont care.
positive thinking right?
It will give you everything and beyond.
I dont know. 
I dont feel as scared of you as I have before.
and I feel like your maybe thinking the same.
and your still in my thoughts. 
more then id like you to be.
and i dont give a flying eff if your with her this week.
or with someone else next week.
or with me never.
your cute.
and i like the way you think.
It makes sense to me.
and i know you get sad sometimes.
I should have never pointed out the things you already know.
it was not my place.
no matter how horrible I felt.
your prob one of the most courageous people I know.
how could one not look up to you?
I just wanted the feeling of being woken up by the Hills.
nothing i could ever do will ever be as bad as what we do to ourselves.
and forever i am sorry for being weak in front of you.
but what is sorry anyways.
I say it about a thousand times an hour.
I progress and regress.
I guess I just like you a lot...